DICK - OK Tom we’ve got another investigation to do.

TOM - Will it take long ‘cos I was hoping to reorganise my socks.

DICK - Eh? You spent all last week folding and refolding yer socks, colour coding them, stacking them into styles and length and fuck knows what else.

TOM - Yeah but I bought this book: Organise Your Socks the Professional Way by this professor bloke who also wrote: Zen and the Art of Towelling Socks. He’s very good. Really knows what he’s talking about.

DICK - Seriously Tom, you need to find a proper hobby. Perhaps you should try bee keeping.

TOM - Why? Do you think bees wear socks?

DICK - Tom, Tom this sock stuff is driving me mental. Bee keeping will be good for yer. Good for yer soul or some kind of hippy crap like that, and besides, our new investigation is about honey and it’ll be good to have some inside info.

TOM - Drew calls me honey.

DICK - Drew calls everyone honey, and I wanna know if that’s a nice thing or if she’s calling yer bee shit.

TOM - Well what’s bees gotta do with honey?

DICK - Bees make honey.

TOM - Serious?

DICK - Yeah bruv. Serious.

TOM - Well I never knew that.

DICK - Tom, there’s quite a few things you never know nothing about.

TOM - True. Do you remember that poem you wrote about them bees?

DICK - Girlys are always stopping me in the street and saying: ‘ain’t you that toon that wrote that ‘Dead Bee Poem’, and I’m like: ‘yeah’, and they’re like: ‘wow’, and I’m like: ‘cool’, and they’re like: ‘that poem really changed my life’, and I’m like: ‘well cool’, and they’re like: ‘it was so so moving and sad’, and I’m like: ‘deep’, and they’re like: ‘I’ve a pen will you sign my titties’.

TOM - It don’t like happen like that. You like go up to girlys and say like: ‘hi I’m Dick and I write poems. Can I sign your titties’, and then they usually like give you a slap.

DICK - And like I’ve got my Acme frying pan to give you like a slap.

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TOM - And I’m like ouch.

DICK - Like stop saying like.

TOM - Like you started it.

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TOM - And I’m like ouch. Like again.

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TOM - OK OK How do we find out about bees?

DICK - We need to find a bee person.

TOM - Brenda? Barry? Bartholomew?

DICK - No numpty. Someone who knows about bees.

TOM - We could follow a bee. You know, like a detective and stuff. We could get some dark glasses and a newspaper and a long coat and hang around the gardens over the park until we see a bee then follow it.

DICK - Right, yeah. We could get some dark glasses and a newspaper and a long coat and hang around the gardens over the park until we get arrested for being a nonce and put in prison with Mr Big as our cell mate. Great plan Tom. And why a newspaper?

TOM - To hide behind. You’ve seen detective films.

DICK - I think we’ll have to be a bit cleverer than TV detectives this time Tom. Bees ain’t mathematicianologists. Bees can be tricky you know. Look next door have just had a new washing machine delivered and they’ve got a big box. We’ll climb in that and do some thinking in the box. That should work.

* * *

TOM - It’s nice in this box ain’t it Dick.

DICK - Yeah. This is a good box Tom, no mistaking that. In fact this is such a good box I’ve come up with a plan.

TOM - Really! That was quick. We hadn’t even thought of a name for our plan.

DICK - I’m renown for my quick thinking Tom. I thought I’d call it the: ‘Tom, Shut The Fuck Up Plan’. What do yer think?

TOM - ‘The Honey Plan’ would have been a good name. So what is the ‘Tom, Shut The Fuck Up Plan’ plan then?

DICK - A honey trap.

TOM - Eh? How do we set a honey trap?

DICK - Not too sure yet Tom. Let me stroke my chin and ponder.

 

Four hours later.

 

TOM - Anything yet Dick?

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DICK - Never interrupt a ponder.

 

Two days later.

 

TOM - Dick. Dick. I like I need a wee. Can’t we do some thinking outside the box?

DICK - Pondering Tom. Pondering.

 

One hour later.

 

DICK - Tom, why are you making a hole in our thinking box?

TOM - I’ve gotta do a wee outside the box.

DICK - Fair enough. Carry on.

 

Two hours later.

 

TOM - What’s the state of yer thinking Dick?

DICK - Glad you asked Tom. The state of my thinking is such that a honey trap won’t work. Won’t work at all.

TOM - No?

DICK - No Tom. What we need is a bee trap, but I’m fucked if I know how to do that so what I propose is that we climb out of the box, find a bee and follow it.

TOM - Which is what I suggested days ago.

DICK - Hush yer mouth Tom. What you suggested was that we lure young bees with the promise of sweeties then groom them to be our sex slaves.

TOM - I so did not!

DICK - Did too yer pervy sock fetish little creep. I know your game. You wanna find young bees so you can sniff their socks.

TOM - How could you say such things?

DICK - Never mind that for now. Let’s climb out the box and find a bee. Actually Tom, you’ll have to follow the bee ‘cos I’ve had a brainy wave.

TOM - Really Dick?

DICK - Yeah. I’m gonna conduct a scientific experiment. I’m just gonna get my equipment.

TOM - What test tubes and microscopes and stuff? That’ll be very impressive.

DICK - Be impressed Tom. Be impressed. I just need a white coat with some pens in the pocket and one of them little fishing nets.

TOM - I thought we were after bees.

DICK - We are. I’m gonna catch some bees. I need to know if bees are actually made of honey, so I’m gonna catch some bees and make a bee sandwich.

TOM - Brilliant! Dick, did you think of that when we was in the box or outside the box?

DICK - That’s pure in the box thinking that is. Come on let’s get to work. You find a bee to follow and I’m gonna have a sandwich.

 

* * *

 

TOM - Dick, I’ve been following this bee for two hours and all it does is sniff flowers.

DICK - Bleally?

TOM - Eh?

DICK - Bleally?

TOM - Eh?

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DICK - Blor bluck’s blake. Bli blaid bleally.

TOM - Dick, why are you talking in Swedish?

DICK - Bli’m blot. Bli blounge bot blung.

TOM - Pardon?

DICK - Bli blounge bot blung.

TOM - Sorry, I don’t know Swedish. What did you say?

DICK - Bli. Blounge. Bot. Blung.

 

* * *

 

TOM - Well, another day wasted. Has the swelling gone down yet?

DICK - Yeah.

TOM - And are bees made of honey?

DICK - No they fucking ain’t. And what’s more their wings get stuck between yer teeth.

TOM - This bee stuff ain’t going too well is it Dick?

DICK - You right there Tom. What we need to really do is get inside the mind of a bee.

TOM - How we gonna do that? I mean bees is tiny.

DICK - Not literally you numpty, but still, that’s actually a good question Tom.

TOM - We could learn how to talk bee. Do you think bees talk Swedish?

DICK - Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Look at that bloke over there. Do you know who that is?

TOM - Nah!

DICK - Yes you do.

TOM - Nah Dick I don’t.

DICK - Well if I’m not mistaken that’s Mr Sting.

TOM - Wot the bloke with lots of police records. I don’t think we should get involved with a criminal.

DICK - Shut it numpty! Excuse me mister, you’re Mr Sting ain’t yer.

STING - Yes I am. How can I help you boys? Would you like my autograph?

TOM - Can you sign my titties please Mr Sting?

DICK - Shut up Tom. You ain’t even got proper titties. No, we was wondering about bees.

STING - Really?

TOM - Mr Sting, when you die and you’re a dead’un, will you be remembered as Mr Stung?

DICK - What the fuck are you on about Tom?

TOM - Stung is the past tense of sting.

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DICK - Actually we’re investigating, ‘cos we’re investigators, we’re investigating honey, and we wanna know how honey is made.

STING - I can show you if you like. I’ve got a couple of hives.

TOM - You can get cream for them.

STING - Hives is where the bees live and work and where the honey is made.

DICK - Oh OK. So bees work from home. Like stuffing envelopes or stuff.

STING - You’ll have to put on this protective gear.

TOM - I feel like a spaceman. Look Dick, if I walk all slow motion and stuff it’s like I’m walking on the moon. It’s whizzer Houston.

DICK - Tom, you may feel like a spaceman in that get up, but you look like a cunt.

STING - If you want me to tell you about bees you’ll have to cut out the bad language. Bees are very sensitive little creatures and that sort of cussing is like a karmic destroyer man, you’re jamming their navigational systems with filth. Now let’s look inside the hive.

DICK - We don’t care about the jam. Just tell us about the honey.

TOM - Mr Sting, what was your police record for?

STING - I was a singer. I played bass and sung in a rock band called the Police.

DICK - Fuck me! You were that bad you got a criminal record for it.

TOM - Yeah, fuck Dick! That’s gotta be bad singing.

STING - Look you two, do you want to know about bees or not? You’re letting your editor down, your magazine down, your readers down, but worst of all your letting yourselves down. Now roll up your sleeves, pull up your socks, and let’s find out about bees.

DICK - Oh shit! You had to mention socks didn’t you. You fucking stupid ex-con twat.

STING - That’s it! I’ve had it with you two. Take the suits off the demonstration’s over.

DICK - With pleasure. All this: bees is like the buzz of god stuff is pants. I’ll just get my frying pan out to test …

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TOM - What yer do that for?

DICK - I just wanted to know if these bee proof suits are frying pan proof. That’s all.

STING - No violence please boys.

DICK - Fuck off hippy wanker.
TOM - Fuck off hippy wanker.

TOM - Well I’ve got my pocket frying pan here so you tell me.

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DICK - Yep. I certainly felt that.

 

* * *

 

TOM - I don’t like this bee investigation Dick.

DICK - Nah. It’s pants.

TOM - And that Sting was an odd bloke weren’t he?

DICK - He’s probably got stung in the head too many times Tom. Made him a bit … you know.

TOM - What? Stripey?

DICK - Nah. Mental.

TOM - I was hoping to keep that protective suit. I was gonna wear it to church.

DICK - Eh? You don’t go to church.

TOM - I don’t go to church ‘cos of all the smiting, but if I had a protective suit I’d be OK.

DICK - It’s sinners that get smited Tom.

TOM - I covet socks Dick.

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TOM - Shall we go home and have some bread and honey for our tea?

DICK - Hang on. We’ve got honey?

TOM - Yeah.

DICK - Where did that come from?

TOM - Supermarket.

DICK - So honey comes from Sainsbury’s.

TOM - Nah. Tesco.

DICK - OK, so we know where honey comes from. Mmm we still don’t know how it’s made though.

TOM - I think farmers keep bees all packed into little sheds in the dark and feed ‘em horrid stuff to make ‘em fat and deformed and then kill ‘em and turn ‘em into honey.

DICK - But bees ain’t made of honey. I tried that.

TOM - Yeah, but you ate ‘em raw. You gotta melt them down and pasteurise ‘em or something. Perhaps you need homogenised bees.

DICK - Like poofty bees?

TOM - Don’t know about that, but yer gotta process them to turn ‘em into honey.

DICK - I think you may have sussed it for once Tom. Come on Tom, let’s go home and have some bread and honey for tea, only I think I’ll have jam.

TOM - How do they make jam Dick?

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©2010 Dick and Tom