A Short History Of The Anti-Book League

I once had, no wait a minute let me rephrase that; once upon a-time I had a part-time job in a book shop. I considered it a position of power and influence because I could slip explicit photographs of sex change operations into copies of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, with full colour detailed references of how to turn a penis into a vagina in glorious close-ups accompanied with full medical procedural explanations as well as psychological profiles for the hard of comprehending.

Having used up my supply of these photographs I turned my attention to another set in my possession, that of pus oozing STD infections, which I deposited inside copies of Breaking Dawn (Twilight Saga). Thirsty for bodily fluids?

With all these photographs deployed I then set about placing earwig eggs into Miffy In The Garden, rat flea eggs in Miffy At The Zoo, smearing E.coli bacteria onto pages of Miffy In Hospital, and fake telegrams saying; ‘your parents are dead’ into copies of Miffy Is Crying.

One day I was called into see the boss. He had a breakfast stain on his tie and smelt of aftershave. I sat opposite his desk and when I crossed my legs his eyes crawled all the way up to the hem of my skirt. He said; ‘Charlotte, I know what you’ve been putting in the books and this has to stop’.

I started cutting out the final pages of murder mystery books with a craft knife.

The boss called me into his office again. He leered at my legs again to which I returned a look of utter disdain. He told me I was sacked, then told said ‘sorry’ to my tits.

Well if that doesn’t prove that books aren’t fun I don’t what does. This is how the Anti-Book League was formed, and what follows is the outline of the Anti-Book League manifesto:

STOP wasting your time reading stupid books and watch cartoons instead. Cartoons are life. Flick art.

IF you’re gonna be a sad loner; self harm. Cuts are cool. Old skool. Paper cuts; it’s what books were made for.
IF you really don’t like blood and pain (pussy) find hundreds of friends on Facebook that you’ll never know. Yeah you like that. Twitter it.

INVENT a reality where you win in a video game and rule the world. If no one believes you. Kill them. Kill them all.

WATCH porn on-line whilst furiously masturbating to achieve a state of bliss. Anal, bondage, and watersports are the preferred options to a strong wrist and a healthy mind. Call it erotica or a study of fucking in blue.

And then I thought the Anti-Book League should have a slogan. Easy to remember. Something that would fit on a tee shirt: BOOKS is DUMB.

Please donate lots of money and follow the League on Facebook. Do it TODAY.

 

 

©2012 Charlotte De'Ath
First published 2012 by Carnival (magazine closed)