TOM - Today we’re in Cambridge.

DICK - Cambridge is the home of brains.  It’s where brains are made.

TOM - I am so excited.  Do you know I’ve said; ‘I am so excited’ 163 times today alone?

DICK - Really!  Seems like so many many more than that.  Anyway, before number 164 pops out, come on tell us why you’re so excited Tom.

TOM - Well Dick, we’re investigating the science of mathematicianology.  Isn’t that just so so brilliant!  I mean, me with my counting, and add mathematicians, they’re like number wizards Dick, with little wands and numbers and magic bits and subtraction, and on top of all that an ology.

DICK - Yeah, this sounds … mm … a real once in a life time treat.

TOM - It is Dick!  It really really is.

DICK - Tom, in case you’ve forgotten this is a poetry magazine nothing to do with mathematicians.

TOM  -  That’s where you’re wrong ‘cos mathematicians are like poets.

DICK - No they ain’t.

TOM  -  Yeah. It’s true.

DICK - It fucking ain’t.

TOM  -  Well, they both have beards, don’t they?

DICK - Fair play. I’ll give yer that one.

TOM  -  And they both have leather patches on their elbows and knees.

DICK - That is actually true I have to admit.

TOM  -  And they both smoke pipes.

DICK - Now that’s not quite true ‘cos these days it’s only the lady poets that smoke pipes. Real men poets smoke mackerels.

TOM  -  Really?

DICK - Yeah, it’s some sort of post modern metaphor. Not just mackerel either. Sole is very popular, plaice as well. Sardine’s another.

TOM  -  Well I never. Why would they do that I wonder.

DICK - You know, the fish being free to swim around but also carry the end of the planet on its back. Fin also being French for the end. Personally Tom I think I’ll stick to weed. This post modern business is just a load of haddocks. Besides, when I tried it I inhaled a fish eye and I had fishy breath like next door’s cat.

TOM  -  Let’s do our investigating Dick, please. I got loads of investigating stuff from a garage sale at Professor Heinrich Von Squawkencluck’s house. I got binoculars, magnifying glass, and I got test tubes, and glass pipes, and I got this pen that when you write with it … like this, it gives off a funny smell and then I fall asleeeeeeeeeee Zzz  Zzz  Zzz

DICK  -  Well I suppose being investigators will make us more enema-matic. 

TOM  -  Zzz  Zzz  Zzz

DICK  -  It’ll be good to have an air of mystery and impish intrigue about us. 

TOM  -  Zzz  Zzz  Zzz

DICK  -  Gotta be better than that whiff of eggs that you’ve always got, eh Tom.

TOM  -  Zzz  Zzz  Zzz

DICK  -  Tom?

TOM  -  Zzz  Zzz  Zzz

DICK  -  Tom please wake up

TOM  -  Zzz  Zzz  Zzz

DICK  -  Tom if you don’t wake up I’m gonna have to hit you with mt frying pan.

TOM  -  Zzz  Zzz  Zzz

THERWACK!!!  wack  wack  wack  wa  wa  w w w

DICK  -  Tom wake up now!

THERWACK!!!  wack  wack  wack  wa  wa  w w w

TOM  -  What happened? One minute I’m writing a list of random numbers and now I’ve got church bells ringing in my ears and I seem to have grown a lumpy bit on my head. Do you think I’m ill Dick? Do you think it’s head cancer or leaf mould or something?

DICK - You’ll be fine, I’ll knock the bump out with my mallet when we get home, but let that be a lesson to you - be very careful with numbers. Now this mathematicianlogy. What the fuck is it?

TOM - It’s the study of mathematicians.

DICK - Really!

TOM - Yeah, really!  Their habitat.  Their kissy kissy ones …

DICK - Wait a minute.  These mathematicians, they have wives and bedrooms?

TOM - You do get lady mathematicians you know.

DICK - I didn’t Tom.  I had no idea.  And this investigating business.  We go around prying and sneaking and asking questions and looking in lacy knicker drawers and poking our noses into everything.

TOM - We will be investigthingyjij journalists.  In our quest for truth we shall leave no scone uneaten.

DICK - We’ll be private dicks.  Like Columbo.

TOM - Or like Secret Squirrel.

DICK - Nah!  Columbo.  I’m gonna be Columbo.  I’m gonna go down to Oxfam and get me a dirty old man’s flasher mac, then I shall buy some big fat cigars. 

TOM - Do Oxfam sell squirrel suits?

DICK - Dunno about that Tom

TOM - I’ve always wanted a bushy tail.

DICK - I’m gonna get us some cards made up Tom.

TOM - That’s quite a good idea Dick.

Yeah!  Cigar shaped.  Make us memorable.  And in big letters: DICK, PRIVATE DICK.

TOM - I’m going off the idea.  I’m not sure if we can afford them.

DICK - Nonsense.  You gotta leave a card behind at the scene of a sum.

TOM - OK Dick.  Let’s get to work.  To find mathematicianologists we need to find mathematicians, and for them to live and thrive and multiply, you need numbers, so I’m going to see the warehouse, not far from the city centre, where all the numbers are kept.  I’m also going to be visiting a numeral recycling plant where all the remainders and sums that don’t add up are taken.

DICK - And I’m going to the city pubs to investigate the social issues that arise from being a mathematicianologist. I’m also going to investigate if there’s more of a link between mathematicianologists and poets other than elbow patches and beards.  So I‘ll meet you back here in say … 3 hours.

TOM - That’s 180 minutes.  10,800 seconds or …

DICK - I’m impressed Tom.  Now fuck off.

4 Hours Later …

 

TOM - Where have you been?  I’ve been waiting 67 minutes.  I’ve been counting them.

DICK - I thought you might, but I love you Tom.  No No ‘cos I really fucking love you.  ‘cos your like my brother an ‘all.  And, and, and, do you remember that poemy poem I wrote about you?

        TOM,
        we are of the same pencil, same lead, our address is even the same dot com.
        I thought it would be such fun, like the brother for who I hanker,
        but I’m stuck with you, Tom, and your an utter wanker.

I wrote that 'cos I fucking love you.  Your the bestest wanker I've ever, in all my time ever, known.  And your my mate.  And and we share a pad.  Not poofties.  No!  No!  No!  No!  No!  But I fucking love you.

TOM - You’ve been drinking!

DICK - Only beery beer my dear.

Bllluuuuuurrrrr!

TOM - Oh! Dick.  You’ve just been sick all over me.

DICK - I know.  I aimed.

THERWACK!!!  wack  wack  wack  wa  wa  w w w

DICK - Did you just hit me over the head with a frying pan?

TOM - Yes.  Has it helped?

DICK - Actually Tom I think it has.

THERWACK!!!  wack  wack  wack  wa  wa  w w w

Yeah.  That’s much better.  Is that a new frying pan?

TOM - Yeah.  It’s the Acme luxury mobile frying pan with easy grip handle.

DICK - It’s got a great sound to it.

TOM - Lovely tone to the ring.

DICK - Lovely tone Tom.  Here, have a cigar.

TOM - That’s very kind of you Dick.  Thank you.

DICK - And a light.

SZsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssBANG!

TOM - Oh!  Marvellous.  Thank you Dick.  I’m supposed to be doing in-depth interviews with not only mathematicianologist but also mathematicians them very selves and I’m covered in sick, and my eyebrows are singed with my face covered in sooty stuff from your exploding cigars.  Thank you very much Dick.

DICK - Sorry, couldn’t resist.  Do you want a tequila gum Tom?

TOM  - Are they trick gums?

DICK - No.

TOM  - Do they explode?

DICK - No.

TOM  - Did you put ants in them?

DICK - Nah!  I couldn’t get any ants.  They were all too busy moving picnics so I had to put wood lice in.

TOM  - Yeah OK I’ll have one, thanks.

DICK - OK  OK  So how did you get on Tom?

TOM - Your face is very red Dick.  What you been doing?

DICK - I dunno Tom.  Every time a gave a lady my card I got a slap around the face.  And I couldn’t find any mathematicianologists.  I looked in loads and loads of pubs.  So come on, how did you get on?

TOM - Not very good either really.  I tried to find the number warehouse.  Well for the first hour I had the map upside down, so that didn’t help, but I couldn’t find it anyway.  And as for the numeral recycling centre; I don’t want to talk about it. 

DICK - This is pants, who did the research on this gig then?

TOM - umm, I did.  Sort of.

DICK - You mean you just made all this up to come out counting?

TOM - I thought it would be fun.

DICK - Look Tom, next time I choose the assignment.  Maybe we should investigate how many pole dancers are actually Polish, or do lap dancers come from Lapland and we’ll do proper research in clubs.  This was absolute fucking pants. Do you want another tequila gum Tom?

TOM  - Ooh yeah.  Nice crunch.  Chewy, crunch then an oozy bit.  These are really good Dick.  Sorry about our investigation.

DICK - That’s all right Tom, just let me do the thinking in future.

TOM - You've said that 504 times this month.

DICK - I think you should write that down. Make an official note of how many times I have to say it.

TOM - You could be right. Just in case I forget or something. Now where did I put my pen …

 

©2007 Dick and Tom