TOM - In this issue we’re asking questions. Ain’t we?

DICK - Like where you hidden my stash you bastard?

TOM - No Dick, not those sort of questions. We’re asking …

DICK - No seriously Tom. If you don’t tell me where my stash is I’m gonna pulverise yer into chopsticks. Again.

TOM - Dick, you have yer stash then you start getting rude and all childish like that time the Prime Minister phoned you up when you was out of it without a face and you asked him if a rhinoceros married a mouse and they had many babies, would they be rhinocermouses or rhinocermices or rhinocermeeces.

DICK - I was off my face Tom. I still had a face, I just wasn’t sure if it was mine or if I liked it or not. Anyway, he should know stuff like that. He should know everything. He’s some sort of leader, but more importantly … how shall I put this. You like counting don’t you Tom?

TOM - Yeah not many. It’s my bestest hobby.

DICK - I can’t truly say I’m that keen myself, but I’m gonna count to ten …

TOM - One of my favourite numbers.

DICK - Good. But it could turn out to be your unlucky number ‘cos if my stash ain’t in front of me by the time I reach ten, I’m gonna start hitting you with my Acme frying pan until either your head or the said frying pan breaks, and as any cartoon worth his salt knows, Acme frying pans are fucking indestructible. ONE … TWO …

TOM - I’ll get it. I’ll get it.

DICK - Thank you Tom. Then we shall begin.

TOM - Right. This issue we’re asking Collective member Drew questions, like why she writes …

DICK - Yeah, why does she write? I mean, let’s be honest here, she’s rubbish.

DREW - Thanks Dick, I love you too.

DICK - Hello Miss Drew.
TOM - Hello Miss Drew.

DICK - We didn’t see you there.

DREW - Obviously.

TOM - I’m sorry Miss Drew, I tried to keep Dick’s stash hidden but it didn’t go to plan.

DREW - Really! What yer got?

DICK - Well you can keep yer thieving mits off me pills for a start, but I’ve got some nice squiggy black.

DREW - Cool. I’ve some wicked weed. I’ll get a number together as we chat, yeah?

TOM - Miss Drew, when was your first memory of writing?

DREW - I think it was when I was about two and a half. I wrote: ‘bollocks’ on my bedroom wall in pink felt tip. It was more a statement about the decoration, I mean, I was soon to be three and all I could see were these twee little fluffy things. I wanted fairies not fucking bunnies.

TOM - ‘Cos how things look and stuff, that’s all important to you ain’t it?

DREW - Oh yeah! I mean it’s vital man. You can choose to live in a shit hole or you can choose to change it.

TOM - I’ve heard that you go around making gardens everywhere.

DREW - Not quite gardens Tom, but I plant, or rather scatter, wild flower seed everywhere I go, and sometimes I make up these really wicked seed bombs out of wild flower seed and mud, squidge the mixture into little balls, then throw them out of a car window as yer driving about so they germinate on the road verges.

TOM - Perhaps we’ll come back to this later, but for now, to get back to your writing. Actually, Dick, you’ve been amazingly quiet. Have you got a question for Miss Drew?

DICK - I can’t help but notice, Miss Drew, you’ve got great tits.

DREW - What?

TOM - Dick shut up! You can’t say things like that. We’ve got to be professional about this. That is so not a question.

DICK - I wanna be proper at this Tom, I really do, but it can’t be denied those tits are fucking lovely and as such are a huge distraction … well no, they ain’t huge, but they are very cute, it’s just so hard to stay focused on poemy stuff. I can’t help it Tom.

DREW - You are such a naughty little geezer. I’m gonna have to keep an eye on you.

DICK - Oh Miss Drew I’m sorry. I can be professional. We have done this before you know, interviewing, but it got really boring and we fell asleep. Still, I suppose we’ve learnt a thing or two since then. This might go alright, you never know.

So, what was the first poem you wrote, and what was it about. Can you remember?

TOM - That’s a good question Dick.

DICK - Thank you Tom.

DREW - Yeah! I can just about remember it, I think. I must have been about four of five and it was called something like: ‘i’m not a baby anymore’, I think some of it went something like:

when you gonna give me fairies you bastards
living with these furry freaks for nearly five years
i’m beginning to think that maybe i’m retarded

I remember my friend, Gemma, had fairies and silver things in her room and I still had all this baby stuff lying around. I mean it was so embarrassing man. Gemma had a fairy mirror, and yeah, she had a fairy quilt cover, and fairy books and she couldn’t even read or nothing. I was so fucking jealous man.

TOM - Wow! This was quite a thing with you.

DREW - Because yer at such an early age it can leave scars, yer know. It can stay with yer all yer life, like you was never worthy of fairies, and for a girl like me that’s like catastrophic. I mean real bad vibes and shit.

TOM - So you didn’t even get any fairy socks? Cruel.

DICK - Didn’t take you long to start with the socks eh Tom?

DREW - I’ve heard about your sock collection Tom. I always pair mine then fold them in on themselves and into little balls.

TOM - Ooh no! You have to fold them in half and store them flat and neat.

DICK - Miss Drew, Miss Drew, please don’t encourage him to talk about socks. No seriously ‘cos he will talk for hours. And I mean hours. We’ll have the history of socks, styles of socks, the A-Z of socks, sock storage and cataloguing, details on how to construct your very own sock checklist, even a scientific examination of the different stitches, threads and tensions that go into the manufacture of socks, oh and not forgetting celebrity socks. It’s driving me fucking mental.

DREW - Aww you poor thing. I had no idea. OK then we’ll get back to this writing stuff.

TOM - Shall I tell you where I store my most favourite socks?

DICK - Tom, if you say another word about socks or anything in anyway sock related I’m getting me frying pan out.

DREW - Those frying pans are well wicked.

DICK - You used to only be able to get them mail order but now they’re on the interenet and everything. Of course Acme are the best. And Tom’s head makes a great sound. Listen.

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

DICK - Beautiful sound ain’t it.

DREW - Can I have a go?

DICK - Yeah, I don’t see why not. You have to make sure the base of the frying pan lands right on the crown of his head if you want to get the best sound.

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

DREW - Like that?

DICK - Nah! Nah! You gotta give it some. You gotta hit him harder than that.

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

DREW - Like that?

DICK - That’s better. But if you just get to land a little more in the middle.

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

DICK - That’s it. Spot on. I think she’s got it.

DREW - Ah man that’s excellent. I see what you mean. I’m gonna have to sample that.

TOM - I don’t think it’s that good.

DICK - Right, I think we’ve shut him up about socks, so now I think we should get back to the interview.

TOM - Yes, I think we should. I think we should all roll up our sleeves and pull our socks up and …

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DICK - We’ve talked about your early years, so what about when you went to school. What kind of stuff was you writing then?

DREW - Homework mainly. I didn’t really have time for writing. Then when I was about twelve or thirteen I discovered boys and didn’t really have any time for homework.

TOM - Wow! That’s amazing. I had no idea you discovered boys. Was that like inventing them or something?

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

TOM - That was unexpected.

DREW - No silly. I discovered that I liked boys. You know. Kissy kissy sort of stuff.

DICK - Rather than being a lesbian.

TOM - Lesbians scare me.

DREW - Well I think you’re safe Tom.

DICK - So have you got a boyfriend at the moment?

DREW - I’ve got a sneaking suspicion where this is going, but no. Not at the moment.

DICK - Do you think that me and …

DREW - That’s never gonna happen. No way never. Next question.

DICK - Have you got names for your tits?

DREW - What?

TOM - Dick’s got a name for his willy.

DICK - Yeah, I call him Tom Tiddles.

DREW - This is getting weird. No I’ve not got names for them.

TOM - So when and why did you get back into writing?

DREW - Bless you for changing the subject Tom. Well I’m not really a writer or a poet you know …

DICK - We’ve noticed.

DREW - I’m actually a DJ. I just took to writing poems when travelling to gigs.

TOM - Do you do weddings and barmitzvas?

DREW - I have done in the past Tom. You know, what ever pays the rent, but no, I’m a club DJ. I just love being behind the decks laying down some big beats and rocking the plot with banging tunes. Kicking it out, you know.

TOM - Dick, what the hell is she talking about?

DICK - I’ve not got a clue. Just smile your bestest smile and say something nice about her tits then, as she’s swooning in wafts of our charm, we can bring the subject back ‘round to writing or reading if we really have to. You gotta use charm with the ladies Tom.

TOM - Eh?

DICK - Just ask her if she would let me play with her puppies.

TOM - I didn’t know she had puppies. I wanna play with the puppies too.

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

DICK - You can’t. You ain’t got yer international puppy playmaster certificate. Just ask her will you.

TOM - Miss Drew, I think Dick would very much like to play with your pu …

DREW - Well fellas, look at the time. I’ve really gotta dash I’ve got a very important appointment with … with … a fade out

 

 

… fade in technician.

TOM - Oh! OK. Thanks Miss Drew. Give the puppies a cuddle from me.

DICK - Yeah thanks Miss Drew. Please don’t write anymore poems.

TOM - Bye Miss Drew.
DICK - Bye Miss Drew.

TOM - She was lovely. I like Miss Drew. She smells nice too. Weren’t Miss Drew lovely Dick?

DICK - Silly cow!

TOM - What do yer mean?

DICK - I’m a DJ - I’m a DJ - I’m a DJ. Silly cow. I’ll tell yer Tom, if she plays records like she writes poems it’ll sound like farting under water.

TOM - You’ve just got the hump ‘cos she doesn’t want you for her boyfriend.

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

TOM - I was actually expecting that one.

DICK - Why should I care about that Tom?

TOM - Well she’s everything you always say you like: beautiful, blonde, funny, fluffy, up for a laugh, got a bag of weed, got puppies …

DICK - Tom, none of that really matters, well alright all of that really matters, but you can’t escape the fact that she writes crap poems and I’m sorry, I am a poetry genius, I can’t help it, I didn’t choose to be one, but as a poetry genius I simply could not go out with someone who writes such crap poems. Besides, she’s fake.

TOM - What like plasticine? She looked pretty real to me Dick.

DICK - If she was a real Essex girl she would have flashed her tits. That’s all I’m saying Tom.

TOM - Wow! A plasticine model with flashing bits. Who would have thought that! I wonder where she keeps the batteries for her flashing bits ‘cos she weren’t exactly wearing a lot of clothes? And that must be like car headlights or something. I expect it’s so she can find her records in the dark. Them clubs can be dark you know.

DICK - Be careful Tom. We are entering the Uendo zone. A CarryOn stroke Benny Hill place that is like a deserted high street full of melon shops and dumpling shops and cucumbers r-Us.

TOM - Are we? Is it near Bristol? What a pair of Charlie's we are going all the way to Uendo when there’s a perfectly good supermarket ‘round the corner, mind you some dumplings might be handy. Sometimes I’m so glad you’re about to keep abreast of things. Oh well, now she’s gone at least we can get on with cooking our tea. We’re all out of tart and there’s no crumpet left …

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

…do you fancy a nice CocoPop curry?

DICK - Yeah, I’m starving.

TOM - I’ll get the CocoPops.

DICK - I’ll get the curry.

TOM - You’ve not done the washing up again and there’s no clean bowls. Two jugs full of good wholesome comfort food coming up.

THHHAaaaaWWWaccckkkkkkKKKK

TOM - It doesn’t feel like that frying pan makes a good sound.

DICK - Oh it does Tom, believe me it does.

 

©2008 Dick and Tom